What to do? How can you have difficult conversations with Cholerics?
Last week I posted a Instagram post inviting comments from my followers, to hear them share their experiences on the most effective ways to have difficult conversations with Cholerics. It’s always fascinating to learn how others have used this knowledge of temperaments to solve their challenges, and because of the diversity of people, opinions and intentions it is also always fascinating how different approaches can be whilst fitting into the patterns of the four temperaments – Choleric, Melancholic, Phlegmatic or Sanguine. The answers didn’t disappoint.
Please follow the accounts of those who were courageous enough to reply, I can guarantee you that they’ve really interesting accounts and social media conversations.
These were the instructions:
I will look at some of the responses from the natural pattern strategies of the 4 types. This doesn’t mean that I am saying definitively that the person replying is a Sanguine, Melancholic, Phlegmatic or Choleric.
A Sanguine Response
The below is a classic Sanguine response from a popular German Muslim Reggae musician mellow.mark :
If i am in a good mood i might start to laugh or giggle when the choleric starts to give me orders. And then apologize and tell him/her that I just had the feeling that I was getting bossed around and that I am sorry but I am not up for playing that role. Either it is the same eye level or I am out.
This kind of response wins a Choleric’s respect but there will be no end of battles, but if they want to achieve a goal they are very likely to cooperate.
This next one is some advice that suggests experience.
Fab!! Really good idea and here is my hard earned answer. And mmmm —Go slowly, have each point well thought through, use clear and concise language with no sanguine flurries, sparkles or hyperbole. Back up each point with evidence.
An important point is to realise that you’re not talking to yourself. You’re speaking to someone who is singing from a very different impulse and as is so often repeated in my book Know Yourself, ‘That is just the way that they are wired!’.
A Melancholic Response
Knowledge, soundness of ideas and rational arguments are the natural zone of the Melancholics and so Melancholics tend to lead with these things.
Empower the Choleric by listening attentively. Explore their options with them and then provide an alternative perspective if it is required on the topic.
This is a very Melancholic way of approaching the challenge. It assumes that the Choleric will deal with this matter rationally and will appreciate your perspective if you’ve listened to them. Remember that when you deal with a Choleric you have to stand up to them and defend your positions but you’ve got to get to the point quickly as pointed out by this response.
Earn their respect by
- having the guts to have the conversation
- understand that they will initially only listen half heartedly but that it will sink in with a bit of time.
- Once you have said it (short & focused), end with I really value your help on this & then leave
The point being that you’ve got to build relationships over time, and building a healthy relationship with a Choleric will take time and it won’t always go as you wish. Their psychological pattern expresses Elemental Fire after all.
This piece of advice is something that we would do well to remember, if we aren’t to cause the fire to flare up in an unnecessary argument.
You calmly but assertively, be straight forward and spell out what you are trying to say and what you would like from them. You can also articulate how you would like them to support you. If you can manage to mention how much you appreciate them listening, so slip in a compliment – that’ll get them drawn in 😉
A Phlegmatic Response
The Phlegmatics value harmony and don’t like confrontation. Here is a response which sings from that impulse.
One could start the conversation by saying I want to tell you this without getting instructions or being interrupted, your goal here is to just listen. So maybe they will take that challenge and try to listen without controlling the conversation. And one must be assertive with it since they won’t respect you otherwise. And during the conversation when they go into their pattern of interrupting or giving orders, you stop them and say look that’s exactly what I meant, that’s we agreed not to do, please listen.
Here is another from the Phlegmatic impulse. This reflects a lot of experience dealing with Cholerics who haven’t had much practice really working on their own self development (to become a developed Choleric).
**n4t_n4t_**Not sure if this makes sense but I would make a mental note of all the “true” things I want to know/understand/get clarity on. Then I would have a bigger “general” conversation around the main topic and ask for their help, making sure they know if it wasn’t for them I couldn’t possibly solve these matters on my own (not in a patronising way). I would boost their ego a little, pretty much centre the conversation around them being the key to solving the solutions and simmer my light for that moment (for the bigger purpose). Then the things I really want to know I’d slip them into the conversation as simple (almost as if I was stupid/extremely unsure) options/answers/questions to the advice they are already giving e.g do you mean like this or like that? Do you think this would work or that?
The advice continues.
@n4t_n4t_ So they don’t become too defensive, instead expand on their answers or clarify what they mean. I’d give them options of answers (that are my true thoughts/feelings/answers, but make it seem the latter is what I understood from what they are helping me understand) and then listen for their version of the answers after that. Then I should be able to find the middle ground from there. A lot of paraphrasing so they feel heard, seen, appreciated and valued. I would also prepare myself beforehand to expect some pushback, frustration or defensiveness and know that my response will be patience and delayed gratification
A Choleric will often reject your ideas and then a few days or weeks later your ideas may emerge as their own, so work with that! With time in a relationship their realisation of this by themselves is very important to their development.
@n4t_n4t_ Once I have the information/conclusion I need I would make sure they know that I am extremely grateful and appreciate them helping me solve the matter. This way I could get my ideas across to them without it seeming too direct and they can tell me their thoughts on my idea as if it is their idea in the first place or a blended idea can grow from both sides, but, it still seems like its all their idea and solution
Then remember that if all this doesn’t work then you’ll have to risk the fire and be direct.
A Choleric Response
It helps to see things from the perspective of the different types and this is something that I really focus upon in the courses. We need to understand how they see things in order to learn empathy. Here is a Choleric talking about their experience of long meandering stories or explanations (Melancholics and Sanguines take note!).
On a serious note, they get drained by going over the same matter many times so perhaps best to make sure there is clarity before to the bit of the conversation so they can happily move in. If the meanderings within the conversation are messy and then the convo moves on they can’t see where to go and get frustrated.
And here is another insight.
Also if I may add again… there are undeveloped cholerics and developed cholerics, even the most well developed cholerics have issues with listening so please be patient! But they will appreciate the process of a difficult conversation as long as its done with gentleness. Not all cholerics like hardness.
and another, for dealing with undeveloped Cholerics.
husna_alhaddad maybe we have to arrange and phrase our points in the conversation in such a way that it still seems like they’re winning and not losing out and also discuss in a gentle but firm manner and not harshly.
Cholerics may be really direct but they are fiery so being gentle can help to reduce flare ups.
And here is another useful insight.
@adhdvisualized go on a walk one to one meeting in a calm space away from the noise
Then there is the advice which will work with developed Cholerics, but may not be effective with under developed ones.
An explanation that you want to explore ideas 💡 is useful for the Choleric. They will give you space if they’re aware of what your intentions are. 😎
I would say, “I value your opinion and I think if we discussed this further we might reach a solution that is more in line with our end goal.” And then specify the time it’ll take to get there.
Remember that if you give a Choleric time they will hold you to it!
One of the comments gave a useful warning if harmonious conversations are desired.
yusaf_ahmed1 Never question a choleric head on this will bring out their fire and they will oppose you with intensity of their firey nature, the way I would have a difficult conversation with the choleric is to bring up the subject, listen to them, hear them and encompass what they have to say, they are usually right but can miss some details and so if there is any thing to add I would show them what important aspects they may have missed, gently guide them to what they have missed, perhaps open ended questions and insights will lead them to discover aspects they missed, all the while they feel the gratification of discovering by there own self
Context
This piece of advice really draws everything together quite succinctly.
The nature of the approach would depend on the subject matter, eg emotional issues may be more difficult for them, practical issues would be easier.
It also depends on the maturity of the choleric. The mature choleric will be more willing to accept straight up, to the point talking that doesn’t necessarily cater to their ego, but leads towards the desired objective. This conversation would be quick, succinct and broken down into practical stages that lend themselves to a swift time stamped solution. The immature choleric will require efforts to win their respect. A passive approach will not work, nor would however an aggressive active approach. Listening + acknowledging their points will give a foundation from which you can identify what they want and how it differs from what you want. From there you can give them a breakdown of why listening to you will enable them to do/be better and gain something which is in their interest.
There are degrees in-between the two which would require an approach which is in accordance with how mature/immature they are. The key is clarity and swiftness to show a beneficial conclusion.
Remember that the best way to learn about the temperaments is to build safe relationships where we are prepared to be mutually vulnerable, so that others whose psychological makeup is different to ours may share how they actually work in order to have deeper, more connected relationships. If our intention is to manipulate, people are forced to protect themselves. The price of gaining this knowledge with empathy is trustworthiness and vulnerability. If you’d like to learn more about this fascinating knowledge sign up for my next Know Yourself Course and start an exciting and fascinating lifelong journey.
Now I’ve got to decide which was the best answer! What do you think?